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The Net Zero Watch guide to decarbonising your life

Andy Shaw

COP26 has been a flop. The world’s leaders have failed to stop climate change and it is now up to us to save the world from catastrophe.

Ever since the first COP, in 1995, we have been living at ‘one minute to midnight’ and the clock is still ticking. Many Western countries have made grand announcements to cut CO2, but no global agreement has been reached and the people must now act.

Here is your guide to saving the planet from the climate change emergency extinction apocalypse.

See the effects of climate change

When you understand that climate change affects everything, everything you see will demonstrate the catastrophic effects of climate change. Nature is dying and the weather has changed.

Just look around you.  Even the leaves on the trees are changing colour and dying. When your train is cancelled because of ‘leaves on the line’, you know that the real cause is not poor maintenance, it is climate change. When an autumnal storm causes flooding, you know that blocked drains are only masking the catastrophe of global warming.

Point this out to friends and neighbours when they complain about the poor weather. The rain, the storms and the biting wind are all signs of climate catastrophe.

Prepare for winter

Most people prepare for winter by simply turning on their central heating. Turn off your heating now and fit a heat pump. Although heat pumps don’t produce enough heat to stave off the winter chill, they do instil a warm feeling of righteousness to carry you through any cold winter. And, by living in a cold house, you are doing your bit to reduce the overall global temperature. It’s a win win!

Switch to a green energy supplier

Although the hike in gas prices has put most Green energy suppliers out of business, there are still some left. Find a supplier that only produces electricity from solar panels, wind turbines and farmyard dung. This ensures that you can rely on bullshit electricity, when the sun isn’t shining and the wind isn’t blowing.

Get a green job

The closure of energy-intensive industries will force many people to find new jobs. Get ahead of the pack and join the Green Jobs Revolution. Train as a loft insulator or plant-based sausage-maker. Debt collectors for unpaid energy bills and citizen advice bureau volunteers, for impoverished pensioners, will soon be plentiful. If you prefer white-collar jobs, with excellent salaries, Sustainability Directors, Environmental Consultants, Carbon Auditors, Climate Conference delegates and Subsidy Form-Completion Experts are in high demand. If you fancy joining delegates at the many future COP conferences, write a report about sustainable living and hire yourself a private jet.

Limit your family

The biggest change you can make is to reduce the size of your family. Although, it is currently frowned upon to eradicate living family members, you could encourage older relatives to join Insulate Britain. This branch of Extinction Rebellion has arranged for retired people to lie down on busy motorways. Although this activity hasn’t improved the uptake of loft insulation, it could contribute to rapid population reduction.

Capture your own carbon

Carbon capture technology is in its infancy. However, you can develop your own personal carbon capture scheme by placing a plastic bag over your mouth as you breathe out your planet-killing carbon dioxide. Squeeze the bag  into a barrel and then, when the barrel is full, drop it into an old well or bury it in the garden. If you want to go out, simply place the barrel into an old pram and take it with you.

If this is all too much trouble, simply hold your breath and become a human carbon storage system, as you expire.

If we all take action on climate change, we could at least save the world from the windy bluster of future COP conferences.

© Andy Shaw 1st November 2021